Relaxing jokes

Birds and Bees
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.


“Mother, where do babies come from?”


The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”


The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.


“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”


“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”






Dead Pussy
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.


The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.






Making Love To...
How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher,a nurse or an airline stewardess?


A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.


A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.


And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.








the perfect day
The Perfect Day - Her


8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms


The Perfect Day - Him


6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep






what men would do if they had a vagina for a day
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.


9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.


8. See if they could finally do the splits.


7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.


6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.


5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.


4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.


3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.


2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.


1. Finally find that damned G-spot.




10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.


9. Get a blow job.


8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.


7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.


6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.


5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.


4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.


3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.


2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.


1. Repeat number 9......
__________________________________________________________________________________




16 years later
One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.


Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.


So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.


When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.


16 years later


16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"


"What?"


I pissed out a bullet.


So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.


Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."


So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.


Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"


The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."


"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"



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